I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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