the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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