I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
