im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
babies were throwing up all over the place
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
