One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
