Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
