Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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