john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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