I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
