I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
