I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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