I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
