You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
