Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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