the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
