Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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