well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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