is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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