There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
