just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Less talking, more tequila
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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