I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
