It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
