and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
