I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
