why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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