I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
