The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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