lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
