You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
