Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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