If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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