I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
