Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just had sex bonerless
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We need a shit load of segways right now
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize