false alarm. still invincible.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
