This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
