Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Vodka?
Forever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
