the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
