I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
