So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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