I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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