I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
