At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
