so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
