I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
