So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
