I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
