then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize