im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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