Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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