i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
