Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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