Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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