Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
