I am spending my child support on dildos
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
