I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize