I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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