did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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