I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
