i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
