I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
