I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
