She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You made out with two different species that night
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
