Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
