I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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