Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I believe in your delicious
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
